Shaved Pussy

I have three cats. They’ve been shedding like mad. It’s very hot in my flat. I figure if I’m hot sitting here in nothing but shorts, surely the cats must be suffering, covered in thick fur as they are.

Hmmm …

Then I noticed that my neighbor had shaved his standard poodle. I asked if I could borrow his animal fur clippers. Next, I talked my brother/roommate into assisting me with my cockamamie cat clipping scheme.

The first customer, Henry, was his ‘ol pliant self when I gently picked him up and walked him to the center of the living room. Once the clippers revved up, however, he started flipping out—twisting, thrashing and slashing. Ouch! I wouldn’t give up, though, and as I tried to hold him steady, I cajoled my brother to begin the haircut. As the clippers came closer, Henry let out the most unhappy, wailing, alien-like cry I’ve ever heard. Cats can make the most horrendous sounds, let me tell ya. I decided I couldn’t go through with it. I released him and he scampered off to hide in the closet.

Next customer! Yes, Tiger—how do you do this hot and humid evening? “Meow.” Great. Let us begin.

Tiger didn’t struggle as much, and she didn’t make the same horrible, blood-curdling cry that Henry made. We managed to clip the hair on her back, sides, and tail. She looks ridiculous.

Then it was off to find skittish Zena. She knew something was up. She twisted and struggled so hard that I realized I needed protection, lest I get more scratched up than I was already. I put on an old leather jacket and some winter gloves and then grabbed her. The plan worked and we were able to give Zena more or less the same stylish haircut as Tiger.

The haircuts were a partial success. I’ve noticed less cat hair on the floors, and when I pet Tiger and Zena, cat hair does not stick to my fingers. Although they look ridiculous, they feel like smooth, warm velvet.