Drug Testing Is Bullshit: The War on Marijuana

For most of this summer I refrained from partaking in one of my favorite guilty pleasures—smoking pot. The reason: On a number of occasions I was on the cusp of getting an interview at the local newspaper here, and they drug test. Thus, I was unable to occasionally enjoy a puff on the weekends—or on Tuesday nights when my buddy comes over—lest a piss test turned up positive. I guess you can have a raging alcoholic work for a newspaper, but God no, not a pot smoker.

For the time being I am not looking to work at the local daily, and so I’ve ended my moratorium on marijuana. With graduate school starting soon, and having recently been hired to be a personal trainer (hooray for me!), my plate is full for now. But this whole experience got me thinking: I’ve come to the conclusion that drug testing is complete bullshit and primarily affects the most harmless of all drug users—pot smokers.

Here is why: Most drug testing consists of urine analysis. A person who smokes marijuana, say, on the weekends, may have marijuana in his/her system for as long as 12 weeks. This is because THC—the chemical that gets you high—metabolizes in fat cells. However, other drugs do not metabolize in the body in the same way. For example, amphetamines can only be detected in urine for 1-4 days; cocaine (crack, freebasing, mainlining the shit) can be detected for 4-5 days; codeine and morphine, 2-4 days; heroin, 8 hours; methamphetamines (crank), 3-5 days; and finally PCP—3-7 days!

So as you can see, a fucking CRACK-HEAD only has to keep him/herself clean for 4-5 days in order to beat a piss test; a responsible marijuana smoker like myself will probably not even be able to “detox” in the span of time between applying for a job, getting the interview, and finally having a drug test. I could conceivably smoke PCP—then freak out, strip naked, climb a tree, and sit there all night scratching myself like a crazy person as I hallucinate—and then a week later pass a drug test! I could go on a coke binge and in less than a week test clean. I could get PISS DRUNK and wake up hung-over and take a drug test and pass with flying colors. But if I take a bong hit on a Saturday night, and then smoke a couple joints with my buddy on Tuesdays, I’ll fail. I won’t get the job because I’m a “drug user.”

And that is why drug testing is nothing but an insidious, unfair and shortsighted war against the harmless pot smoker.

Finally, if you are a marijuana smoker and might have to face a drug test soon, here are some hints on how to detox quickly:

Do not eat fatty foods. THC hangs-out in your fat cells.

Likewise, burn fat—do cardiovascular-intensive exercises.

Drink lot’s of water and cranberry juice. The jury is out on this, but a lot of people swear by it.

Go online and purchase a supplement that masks THC in your urine. Some places test for such supplements, but if you have a drug test, you might as well go down fighting.

Good luck.