Gym Etiquette

Here are some simple gym etiquette rules not normally mentioned on the “Do’s an Don’ts lists at most gyms:

Basic bubbler (that’s water fountain for all you non-Wisconsinites) etiquette

*If you are about to fill up your big-ass water bottle at the bubbler but there is somebody behind you without a bottle, let them go first—especially if that person is panting and sweating profusely.

*Don’t spit in the bubbler—it’s disgusting.

*Don’t spit your gum into the bubbler.

*Finally, don’t urinate in the bubbler; do that in the restroom.

Basic locker room etiquette

*Don’t spread all of your stuff out on the benches. Other people need to use the bench too.

*If you are naked, put a towel on the bench before sitting. Nobody wants your raw ass germs/stench on the bench.

*When not showering, wrap your towel around your waist. Don’t strut around the locker room with your towel slung across your shoulder so that everything is showing.

*You’re not at home, so don’t pee in the shower. Even if you think you are alone, just don’t fucking do it.

Hygiene etiquette

*We are human, we get B.O., but if your B.O. is palpable within a one foot radius of yourself, you need to use more deodorant, you stinky motherfucker.

*If you sweat in your workout gear and then stuff it in a gym bag, leave the bag in your car to marinate, and then wear the same gear again—it’s gonna stink. Wear fresh workout gear every time you workout. Duh!

*When you exert yourself it is helpful to exhale. There are ways to exhale, however, without blowing your putrid breath into the face of the person nice enough to spot you. Learn how to do it.

Equipment use etiquette

*If you are using a machine, or some dumbbells, a bench, etc. and somebody asks you how many sets do you have left, offer to let them work in with you.

*Don’t use multiple weights and or machines for supersets when the gym is crowded. Who do you think you are to hog up all the equipment?

*If you are muscular and or in great shape, it doesn’t mean your workout is more important than somebody else who is not in good shape or doesn’t know his/her way around the gym.

*If you are, say, using the squat rack to hold a barbell so that you can do bicep curls and somebody wants to use the squat rack for squatting, move your ass—you can do curls anywhere, but the other person can’t squat anywhere. This rule applies to other types of equipment and exercises.

Miscellaneous etiquette

*Don’t give unasked for workout advice to complete strangers (unless they are doing something that could result in serious injury).

*If you are male and you do it to a female, it’s akin to using a cheesy pick up line. Don’t think you’re slick, because she’ll know what you’re up to, Mr. Good Samaritan with an ulterior motive. If you’re a big enough dip shit to give unsolicited advice to pretty women at the gym, you might want to try this pick up line, tailored made for an ass-hat like yourself. Ask her, “Do you sew?” When she asks “why,” say, “Cuz I’m ripped” and then flex your muscles. What? You think that line is cheesy? Well, it’s no worse than sauntering over to the lone girl in the weight room and giving her your unsolicited advice.

*If I have seen you at the gym regularly for over a year and one day I nod and or say “Hi,” it doesn’t mean I’m hitting on you—it just means I’m friendly. Sheesh, it’s almost more awkward to NOT acknowledge the existence of somebody you have seen on a regular basis for a long period of time. Don’t flatter yourself so much. I say “Hi” to a lot of people; fat people, thin people, short ones, tall ones, male, female, old, young, gay, straight, even trans-fucking-sexual! If I say "Hi" it doesn’t mean you are special, it just means I've seen you a zillion times and you happen to be there.

If I come up with more etiquette guidelines, I’ll update this post.

Have great workouts!