Thursday, November 17, 2005

Vivid dreams

I'm starting to dream vividly. I remember this happening the first time I went on lexapro. Last night my dreams were a bit disturbing to me, but no matter—within seconds of waking up I felt good and content.

Content is the word that best describes how I’ve felt in the last few days. Not exuberantly happy, but content. Relaxed. At ease. Able to focus on the tasks at hand, specifically the ones that require intense concentration and deep thoughts.

In the last four months since I took myself off the medication, I noticed an increase in my anxiety level. But I told myself it was a good thing, because we need a certain level of anxiety to make us do things in life, like study, work, and pay bills. By September, however, I was waking up nearly every morning in a state of mild panic. Maybe “panic” is too strong of a word, which is why I proceeded it with “mild.”

Everything that was slightly stressful in life became magnified in my mind, and then tossed together so that as I awoke every morning I was bombarded with a mishmash of fears that in reality needn’t had been fears at all. “Twenty page term paper accounting for half your grade!” This thought would be followed by a physical feeling in my stomach, followed by explosive diarrhea (just kidding!). Seriously though, I would get this feeling in my stomach, and then I swear my heart would race. Yes, but I still have lot’s of time—no worries. “But you haven’t got a clue as to what you’re going to do it on!” I know, but I think it will come to me. “How is it going to come to you? Admit it, you’ve been having trouble concentrating lately, haven’t you? You find it difficult to just sit and think. Even if you get an idea, how will you be able to do all the research if you can’t concentrate? Shit, that’s true. But I think I’m kicking ass in another class, and I’m pretty sure I aced the last midterm. “Not so fast. You have to do a big power point presentation for that class to get your graduate credits. You’re not out of the woods.” Another bolt of fear in my stomach. “And what about Comedy College?” Bolt of stomach fear, heart begins pounding.

Meanwhile, perhaps only seconds have gone by as I would lay in bed. Any other latent worry or insecurity would come to the fore (or is it for? I don’t know.). The feelings of anxiety would grow. I’d wish I could go back to sleep. At least I didn't feel this way when I slept. But you can’t sleep when your heart is racing, and besides—there’s stuff to do!

Not off to a good start for the day.

Generally these feelings would dissipate as the day went on. By evening I’d feel okay, but it’s easy to feel okay when you allow yourself to veg-out in front of the TV, or to read yourself to sleep.

So, it’s nice, it’s wonderful, to wake up feeling content. But that’s not the only change I’m noticing. For the last few months I haven’t been interested in having a relationship with a woman. It wasn’t that I didn’t want a relationship, it was that I didn’t feel worthy. I feel differently now. I’m ready to have somebody in my life again. Lately I just think about simple things, like cuddling on the couch after a long day, or having dinner together. So that would be nice if I could find somebody, but even if in the near-term I do not, it’s not a big deal. It will happen eventually. In the meantime, I have enough things to keep me busy and passionate. And I’m looking forward to Monday, my first time ever to do comedy in front of an audience, and I'm looking forward to performing many more times thereafter.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You never know - you could be the new Woody Allen!

My first ex-wife also went into stand-up comedy: seems like she only acquired her sense of humour AFTER our marriage, though.

As for taking drugs to alleviate depression, well I have used cocaine & other things at stressful periods of my life, to treat black phases, as you know...but with mixed results & only temporarily. Remember that medicines can cause/worsen as well as alleviate depression, eg lots of cannabis smokers or ex-heroin users experience depression for a long time after quitting. I know your motives are sound, but I am worried as other people I know on anti-depressants are unable to get off. What happens to them if the supply becomes unavailable for some reason?

Be well,


2:28 AM  
Blogger semite1973 said...

That same worry could be used for anybody who has a chronic condition and uses a drug for it, like diabetics. It's a risk. Life is wrought with risks. I'm not going to worry about the distant future.

6:13 AM  
Blogger semite1973 said...

New Woody Allen? I don't think so. I'm not that neurotic!

I don't want to be a "new" anybody-- I want to be ME. When I go out on stage, I believe all of my friends will easily recognize the guy up there. It will be Zak.

6:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK - well, I hope to be in the audience sometime in the not-too-distant future!

8:54 AM  
Blogger semite1973 said...


5:49 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home

see web stats