Why blog?

Lately I don’t feel the same urge to write about and comment on current events. At times I believe I have contributed my own little unique angle to the issues of the day, but for the most part in general I’m not adding anything profound. It can be fun to link to articles and make little comments, but again, lately I don’t have the desire to do it. Maybe it will return?

At other times I’ve used this blog to post things that I found amusing; or I’ve used it to write about ideas and thoughts I’ve had. I think I might start going in that direction a bit more in the future. There have been a number of posts that I’ve written in the past in which I sort of now regret posting; yet reading them in hindsight has at times served as a certain therapy for me. Maybe what I’m trying to say is that this blog may change a tad; it will become more of my online open diary—and that means discussing some personal issues—and maybe less of a place to make the same neo-con political rants that so many others do so much more effectively than myself. Of course, if something comes up that's political and current, I'll comment if I feel like it. But that will no longer be the focus of this blog.

I have a tracker at the bottom of this page, and so I know that I do get some hits. Personally, other than old friends or current ones, I don’t really know why anybody would be interested in this blog. But to be blunt, this blog is not for your entertainment. If you enjoy visiting and find my ideas or views interesting or entertaining, great. If not, that’s okay too.

So, here’s what’s new in my world:

I met with my advisor and pitched him my idea of completing my thesis and two last graduate courses this upcoming spring semester. He was dubious that I could do it. At this point I told him I’d get him a thesis proposal in two to three weeks, which shouldn’t be a hard thing to do since I’m on winter break and have near-endless amounts of free time. Yes, it will be a lot of work, but if I keep thinking that within 15 weeks (once the semester starts) I’ll probably have my Masters degree and be DONE, well, that’s a pretty good incentive to hangout in the library. I know I can do it.

My biggest concern is my ability, or inability, to sit still and concentrate at times (most of the time). However, after suffering a week-long depression and anxiety attack after finding out that my ex-girlfriend or whatever we were got pregnant by some dude at a time when I thought there was still potential for us (but I did love her at one time… and my love for her was like a dormant seed; ready to bloom given the proper conditions; conditions such as the hope and potential that maybe she still cared for me and wanted me back). Enough on that. Suffice to say, it affected me in a much stronger way than I could have ever imagined. Every thought of her, every memory of her saying or doing something that made me believe that she really cared for me—every time I’d think of something like that—the reality of her pregnancy would hit me and I’d feel sick to my stomach. I just fell into a horrible funk. I was having trouble functioning, and so I called my doctor and told him I needed relief so that I could function and finish my semester. I was proscribed a mild tranquilizer—clonazopam—but by the time I finally got my hands on it, I had pulled out of my anxiety and depression on my own. However, one morning when I was supposed to get to work and work all day long—reading, culling microfilm, writing—I found that I couldn’t sit still. So I took a ‘pam and even though I wasn’t suffering anxiety, I found that it made me feel calm and focused. I’m the type of person whose legs shake or tap when I have to sit still. But I felt focused, calm and even content and happy to do my boring, tedious work.

I have enough prescriptions of ‘pam to easily last me for the semester. So, I’m hoping that between a better diet (I eat well, it’s the timing I need to work on), more regular workouts (I had a terrible shoulder injury most of fall semester that threw off my workouts), and a bit more regimented schedule, I’ll be able to accomplish all my tasks at hand and more. Yes, for the first time ever I’m actually making New Year’s resolutions.

My first resolution is to STAY AT HOME on NYE. I’ll be going to a low-key get together around 9’ish, but other than that I’m gonna spend NYE at home, watching TV with anybody who cares to join me. The problem with NYE is that we put ourselves under pressure to have a great time. I mean “Hey man! It’s New Year’s dude! Party! Last party of the year. Everyone’s going to go out and get drunk and blow those annoying horn-thingys and wear stupid hats…” Been there done that. Sometimes its been fun, but most times it’s just an over-hyped night out. The best times I’ve ever had out just happened spontaneously. You can’t force a good time, and that’s what NYE feels like to me. You go out with all this energy and expectations, yet it’s usually a let down.

Okay, enough for now. From now on this blog is nothing more than my little diary/cathartic release mechanism. If anybody reads or nobody reads, it doesn’t matter to me because the most important thing is that when I reread old posts, it often gives me perspective. It’s a diary—but it’s open to you, dear reader.